All By Myself

Dealing with loneliness.

Believe it or not, I’ve never lived alone until two years ago when my youngest child left for college. I lived with my parents until I got married. When I got divorced, my son still lived with me. So living all by myself is a pretty new experience for me. I started talking a lot to myself. When I cook, I narrate as if I’m vlogging. My kids made comments recently that I talk a lot, which I wasn’t aware of before but I do now. I’m probably compensating for not talking too much at home. I talk to myself when I create but I don’t narrate. Maybe I should, so I can videotape myself and post it on my Instagram without extra effort.

I've been content being single for the past couple of years. In many ways, I feel like I’m a better version of myself now than I was during my marriage. The divorce was messy, painful, and heartbreaking, but I’ve learned to handle loneliness better on my own than I ever could while I was still in the marriage. Back then, loneliness felt suffocating, as if I were surrounded by emptiness. That said, loneliness is still tough to deal with, no matter the circumstances.

Recently, I had a wonderful time visiting my children, sons-in-law, and step-grandson in North Carolina and Georgia. The weather was so lovely and I was immersed in fall goodness: Crisp air, lots of pickleball games, apple picking, laughter, heartfelt talks, watching shows, eating good food, etc., etc…It was so fun because I did these things with my favorite people. Unfortunately, both of my daughters and their families live far away. It takes me all day to drive there, which I’ve been unable to do much lately due to injuries from a car accident.

When I see them, my heart feels full, but once I return, the first few days are often a struggle with loneliness. Normally, I like creating in silence— I don’t need music or noise to set the mood. But these past few days have been different. The silence felt uncomfortable, leaving me unmotivated. So, instead of drawing, I gave in, binge-watched my favorite shows, and ate lots of chocolate. The next day, I busied myself with updating my resume for an illustrator job, and for a while, I forgot about the loneliness. But it’s still there, quietly lingering.

I read Lamentations in the Bible the other day and was reminded that we are not asked to deny our emotions. But we can voice our protest, vent our feelings, and pour it all out before God. It was an aha moment for me. It’s okay to admit that I’m lonely. I can allow myself to sit with this uncomfortable emotion a little longer, rather than staying busy and pushing my feelings aside. Maybe that’s the first, healthier step in dealing with loneliness. This song by Céline Dion may help me do that.🥺

In my first picture book, Sammie's Acorn Pancakes (which I both wrote and illustrated), the main character deals with loneliness after her best friend moves away. Collecting acorns is the only thing that helps her feel less lonely. But when this ordinary activity for a squirrel turns into an obsession, she can no longer live in her home.

Although I can’t share the book with you all just yet, I’m happy to say that the story ends on a hopeful note. I hope I’ll be able to handle loneliness more gracefully by accepting my emotions, doing things that bring me joy, and focusing on my blessings.

Speaking of blessings, I’m excited to share that I completed two art challenges this October—Inktober and SCBWIartober! 🤩 I’m really proud of myself for finally finishing them!

If you’d like to receive my newsletter, push the turquoise subscribe button below 😊

What are your strategies to deal with loneliness? I’d love to learn about them so please comment below if you have any!

Thank you so much for reading! Stay warm and healthy 💛 If you live in the USA, have a happy Thanksgiving!